The Question That Changed Everything: “Does This Actually Make Sense?”

Recently, someone asked me a question that I think deserves a conversation all its own:

“If parents were raised that way too, why didn’t they estrange from their parents?”

It’s a fair question.

In fact, I think it’s one of the most important questions we can ask because it forces us to look beyond blame and start looking at patterns.

I don’t think previous generations were less hurt.

I don’t think they experienced less trauma.

I don’t think they had healthier families.

I think many were taught something different.

They were taught to endure.

They were taught to keep family matters within the family.

They were taught not to discuss mental health.

They were taught not to question authority.

They were taught that loyalty mattered more than honesty.

They were taught that if something was uncomfortable, painful, unfair, or unhealthy, you simply pushed through it.

And for many, that’s exactly what they did.

That doesn’t make them bad people.

It doesn’t mean they didn’t love their children.

It means they passed down what they knew.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned through healing:

Just because something was passed down doesn’t mean it should be passed on.

At some point, every generation has an opportunity to stop and ask:

“Does this actually make sense?”

Not because we’re trying to rebel.

Not because we’re trying to disrespect our parents.

Not because we’re trying to erase traditions.

But because growth requires examination.

I remember growing up and hearing things that didn’t make sense to me.

Family secrets that everyone knew but nobody was allowed to discuss.

People gossiping about problems while simultaneously insisting those problems never be talked about.

Rules that seemed to apply to some people but not others.

I questioned those things long before I had the language for trauma, boundaries, healing, or mental health.

I simply remember thinking:

“This doesn’t make sense.”

And maybe that’s where healing really begins.

Not with therapy.

Not with estrangement.

Not with confrontation.

But with curiosity.

Because once you start asking whether something makes sense, you begin evaluating everything differently.

You stop accepting ideas simply because they’ve always existed.

You start asking whether they’re healthy.

Take something simple.

If you break your leg, nobody expects you to keep running on it.

You rest.

You heal.

You recover.

But when someone is emotionally exhausted, mentally overwhelmed, grieving, depressed, anxious, or burned out, many people still say:

“Push through it.”

Why?

Does that actually make sense?

Sometimes it does.

Sometimes perseverance is exactly what’s needed.

But sometimes rest is the healthy choice.

The difference is learning to think critically instead of automatically.

The same thing happens in parenting.

Children are individuals.

They aren’t extensions of us.

They’re not unfinished versions of us.

They’re not projects.

They’re people.

Their interests may be different from ours.

Their strengths may be different from ours.

Their dreams may be different from ours.

And that’s okay.

If a child loves art, encourage art.

If they love science, encourage science.

If they try soccer and hate it, maybe soccer isn’t their thing.

If they try piano and hate it, maybe music isn’t their thing.

Our role isn’t to decide who they become.

Our role is to help them discover who they already are.

That doesn’t mean there are no boundaries.

Healthy parenting still requires guidance.

Healthy parenting still requires structure.

Healthy parenting still requires accountability.

But guidance is very different from control.

And encouragement is very different from forcing.

Healing taught me that many of the things I accepted without question weren’t actually serving me.

Some were harmless traditions.

Some were helpful lessons.

Some were unhealthy patterns.

The challenge is learning the difference.

Not everything old is bad.

Not everything new is good.

The goal isn’t to reject everything that came before us.

The goal is to evaluate it honestly.

Keep what is healthy.

Change what is harmful.

Question what doesn’t make sense.

Improve what can be improved.

That’s how growth happens.

That’s how healing happens.

And perhaps that’s why we’re seeing more conversations today about boundaries, mental health, estrangement, and family dynamics.

Not because people suddenly became weaker.

Not because therapists convinced everyone to leave their families.

But because more people are willing to ask questions that previous generations often weren’t allowed to ask.

Questions create awareness.

Awareness creates change.

And change creates the possibility of something healthier for the next generation.

For me, healing wasn’t about finding someone to blame.

It was about learning to think for myself.

It was about stopping long enough to ask:

“Does this actually make sense?”

That simple question changed everything.

The more I healed, the more I realized this journey felt like opening a set of nesting dolls.

At first, I thought I was dealing with anxiety.

Then I realized I was dealing with survival mode.

Then I realized survival mode was connected to things I had learned growing up.

Then I realized those things were connected to patterns that had been passed down through generations.

And then I found myself asking an even bigger question:

What is actually healthy?

Not what was normal.

Not what everyone else was doing.

Not what had always been done.

What is actually healthy?

The deeper I went, the more I discovered that healing wasn’t just psychological. It was spiritual too.

Because eventually every healing journey reaches a point where you stop asking:

“What happened to me?”

And start asking:

“Who am I underneath all of this?”

Who am I beneath the survival mode?

Beneath the fear?

Beneath the unhealthy patterns?

Beneath the expectations placed on me?

For me, that’s where faith entered the conversation in a much deeper way.

Not religion.

Not rules.

Not appearances.

But the belief that God created each of us with purpose, identity, and value before the world ever started telling us who we should be.

Maybe that’s why this conversation matters so much.

Whether we’re talking about mental health, family dynamics, estrangement, generational patterns, or healing, they’re all connected.

They are different layers of the same story.

And healing often begins when we become willing to look beneath the surface and ask:

“Does this actually make sense?”

And perhaps more importantly:

“Is this who I was created to be?”

Shared from live experience, not expert advice.