The Day I Realized… I Was the “Red Flag”

I had a moment today that I don’t think I can fully explain—but I’m going to try.

I was listening to a video about emotionally immature behavior, and instead of feeling defensive… I felt something completely different.

I felt recognition.

Not of who I am now.

But of who I was.

And strangely enough, it didn’t feel heavy.

It felt… freeing.

There was a time in my life where I truly believed that if I could just explain my reactions, people would understand me—and if they understood me, then everything was okay.

So that’s what I did.

I would react, sometimes intensely, sometimes in ways I didn’t even understand myself… and then I would explain.

And when people responded with compassion—“that makes sense,” “I understand why you feel that way”—I took that as confirmation that I was fine.

But I wasn’t healing.

I was repeating.

And the truth is, my reactions weren’t coming from what was happening in the moment.

They were coming from everything I hadn’t healed yet.

This is the part that’s difficult to say out loud:

If I saw someone like me back then today, I would probably tell people to keep their distance.

Not because that person is bad.

But because I now understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone who is deeply reactive and doesn’t yet understand why.

That doesn’t make them dangerous.

But it can make the environment feel unsafe.

And this is where I think we’re getting it wrong as a culture.

We’ve labeled people as “red flags” and stopped there.

But what if some of those “red flags” are actually people who are:

• stuck in survival mode
• overwhelmed by unprocessed experiences
• reacting from a nervous system that hasn’t caught up yet

That doesn’t mean you stay.

It doesn’t mean you tolerate it.

But it does mean we can understand it.

The moment everything changed for me wasn’t when someone called me out.

It was when I saw it myself.

When I stopped defending that version of me…
and said, “wait… that was me.”

That moment didn’t shame me.

It gave me clarity.

Healing isn’t about labeling people as good or bad.

It’s about understanding what’s happening beneath the behavior.

Because once you understand it—

you can change it.

And I’m living proof of that.

Shared from lived experience not expert advice.