Leaving a toxic relationship is a lot like trying to quit smoking. Until you see the signs and you want to quit, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Not all of if was bad, but when it was bad, it was bad. And the few times it was good, I would begin to question myself and wonder if he was right, maybe it was me, maybe I was the problem all along. And then self-doubt, overthinking, self-destruction started to creep in. It starts out slow, and then before you know it, it becomes your life. I wasn’t perfect, by any means, but I never deserved the way I was treated nor would I ever treat someone that way.
A marriage is about compromise and no marriage is perfect, I understand that. But a toxic marriage, is never okay. It will never get better. If someone tells you they love you and then turns around and shows you the opposite, trust your gut, it’s never a good thing.
When I first found out I was pregnant he was angry, I had ‘ruined’ his life. This pregnancy was not planned and I took us both by surprise. Our relationship didn’t get any easier. I was sick for months and by the time I started feeling human again and no longer had all day sickness (morning sickness…extended all day) I was showing. I applied for jobs all over the place and I didn’t get any call backs. I soured the newspaper every single day, dropped off applications and did follow-up calls. Nothing. The writer became angrier and I became very pregnant and very depressed. I stopped getting out of bed. I would wait until the hour before he was supposed to be done with work to get up and jump in the shower. We moved to a new apartment shortly before my daughter was born. The writer started working nights and I slipped into a deeper depression. We had moved to Sacramento months prior so the writer could attend grad school. That plan was caboshed due to me finding out I was pregnant. He took me to the court house the following day and we got married. I had no one, I didn’t know anyone. I was isolated and alone. The writer spent his time at work and when he was home, spent his time in the spare bedroom working on God knows what. I encouraged him to keep his plans for grad school and he would slam his hand down on his desk and tell me I pretty much ruined that for him.
My daughter was due on Dec 2nd 1995, that morning I woke up and went to the kitchen to make breakfast and do my usual, sit in front of the tv. I did not feel well, I wasn’t sure what it was, but something was wrong. I found out after my daughter was born that I had PIH, pregnancy induced hyper-tension. They didn’t tell me at the time because they didn’t want my daughter or myself in any more duress. She was born the following day, Dec 3rd. My mom and mother-in-law both came and the writer. After she was born they all left, including the writer. They had to go back to Fresno and he had to get home so he could sleep and go into work. I laid in my bed and cried. My daughter was in NICU to monitor her and I was alone. A week after she was born, we finally got to take her home. I had quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant, but I started up again when she was in the hospital. A Month after she was born, I convinced the writer to move us back to ND so I could be around family and get help with my daughter. He agreed. We didn’t last a full year, that Spring was the flood of 97. We had fought all winter long, he made it very clear how much he hated ND. One night he walked into our kitchen and informed we he was going back to CA and I was welcome to join him or not, he didn’t care, he was leaving either way. I chose to go with him. I often wonder how life would have been if I had stayed.
We waited until August, after my sister got married, and then packed up our lives and moved West. A few weeks after our move I was looking for a job and with only retail and restaurant as my background, looked into going back to school. I called my dad and stepmom and a few other family members after going down to MTI, College of Business and Technology and enrolling in a medical billing/medical office management program. I was so excited and they were for me. The writer’s schedule was all over the place, including nights/weekends and it just made sense for me to do this. I could find a M-F job and be home for my daughter on the weekends. When the writer got home from work I told him. His response was not what I excepted. “You selfish bitch” were the words that came out of his mouth. You are going to put this family into debt for your selfish needs? I didn’t say anything. But I did it anyway. And I graduated with a 4.0, was hired through the job placement program and landed a job at BCBS of CA and started out making more money than the writer. I figured that would please him, I could pay off the loan faster. I was wrong. It made him anything but happy.
We started counseling a few months later. The writer got up and walked out during the first session. We were discussing his ‘controlling’ me and how we didn’t even share a checkbook, yet I was supposed to cover all the bills with my paycheck and was not allowed to ask him for any help or money. I was upset because the writer kept holding me going back to school against me. The counselor asked the writer a question about it and the writer got up and stormed out. I walked out to the car at the end of the session when I realized he wasn’t coming back. I asked him what happened and his only response was “that asshole was taking your side.” I told him there were no ‘sides’ in counseling. He didn’t care, we never went back.
My co-workers started to notice things about me and my relationship with the writer. We would go to their homes and watch the Sacramento Kings games and I thought things were going well, we were meeting people and getting out. I was wrong. The writer and I were invited to join a group to attend a concert at the outdoor amphitheater 30 miles away. We booked a hotel and my daughter stayed with a friend from daycare. We were at the concert and I was dancing. The writer leaned in with clenched teeth and was smiling. He asked me to stop. I kept dancing and he leaned in and whispered “you like a F’in idiot…quit dancing”. I didn’t. He turned and stormed out. He left me at the concert. We stayed for the rest of the concert and I assumed he would be at the hotel room when we returned. He wasn’t. I called home and left a message on the answering machine but he never called back. My friends stayed with me that night. I was crying and they were all telling me stories of what they saw with him and told me I was “too good for him”. I fell asleep and woke up to him opening the hotel room door with coffee. I asked him where he was and he said he drove back home, he had things to do. My girlfriend laid into him and he told her she could leave now. We never talked about it again and I quit hanging out with my friends, the writer convinced me they were not good for our marriage because none of them were married and they didn’t understand.
The Honest Healing Journey with Kristi 
It breaks my heart you had to go through all that!
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