Intro:
People often misunderstand people-pleasing. They think it means you’re “too nice” or “too giving.” But people-pleasing is not a personality trait—it’s a survival strategy learned in childhood when your emotional needs were ignored, mocked, dismissed, or punished.
A child who grows up unseen and unheard does not learn resilience; they learn adaptation. They learn silence. They learn to put everyone else first because it’s the only way they ever felt a hint of peace.
This is a story of what happens inside the developing brain when trauma, chaos, and emotional neglect shape who you become…
and what it looks like to break that cycle as an adult—
for yourself, and for the next generation.
What does it really mean when someone says, “I’m a people pleaser because of trauma”?
It means this:
When a child grows up unseen, unheard, or emotionally neglected, their nervous system starts learning one thing very early:
“My needs are unsafe.
My emotions are inconvenient.
I have to make myself small to survive.”
When every attempt to ask for help is met with anger, dismissal, or chaos—
• skinned knees that didn’t get comfort
• midnight screaming over a bedroom
• a family grieving but not talking
• overhearing hurtful adult conversations about you
• watching parents fall apart while you suffer silently
…a child doesn’t “bounce back.”
They adapt.
They learn to read the room.
They learn to anticipate the moods of everyone around them.
They learn that love must be earned, not received.
They learn that safety comes from keeping others happy—
because no one taught them how to keep themselves safe.
And even though people love to say,
“Kids are resilient,”
they leave out one truth:
Kids are only resilient with healthy guidance.
Without it, they don’t “bounce back.”
They break differently.
And I know this, because I was that child.
I grew up in a home full of instability, emotional chaos, and generational patterns no one talked about. I watched everyone around me spiral, argue, rage, or numb themselves—and somehow I was expected to just “figure it out.”
So I did.
I raised myself emotionally.
I survived using the tools my unhealed parents taught me—
and the ones my soul whispered to me when nothing else felt right.
And then I grew up and unconsciously repeated it in a narcissistic marriage…
and I over-protected my daughter because I refused to let her feel what I felt—
even before I knew the name for what I had lived.
I made mistakes.
I overreacted at times.
I sacrificed myself until I couldn’t breathe.
But I loved her fiercely, and we survived together.
And now, healing has shown me the truth:
I wasn’t born a people pleaser.
I was conditioned into one.
I became what I needed to be in order to survive.
And when I finally hit rock bottom…the same God I screamed at, questioned, doubted, begged…
is the one who lifted me up, piece by piece, memory by memory.
Healing means unlearning the unhealthy traits I inherited.
Healing means seeing the patterns clearly.
Healing means choosing not to carry them forward.
Healing means saying, finally:
“It stops with me.”
That’s what people don’t understand.
And that’s why I share this.
Not for pity…
For clarity.
A New Year’s Wish: Finding Your Way Back Home to Yourself
The beginning of a new year often comes with pressure.
Pressure to improve.
To fix.
To become someone “better.”
But if you’re entering this year feeling off—tired, disconnected, or quietly overwhelmed—this isn’t a failure.
It’s a signal.
My New Year’s wish for you isn’t that you push harder or heal faster.
It’s that this becomes the year you begin finding your way back home to yourself.
When Something Doesn’t Feel Right, It Isn’t You
We are often taught to question ourselves when something feels wrong.
Why can’t I handle this?
Why does this feel so hard?
Why does everyone else seem okay with it?
But anxiety, tightness in your chest, restlessness, or the urge to escape aren’t personality flaws. They are your nervous system trying to protect you.
If something in your life brings constant unease instead of peace, that doesn’t mean you’re weak or dramatic. It means your body remembers what your mind may have learned to ignore in order to survive.
Listening to that discomfort isn’t quitting.
It’s awareness.
Survival Mode Isn’t Living
Many people don’t realize they’re in survival mode until they finally step out of it.
In survival mode, rest feels unsafe.
Calm feels unfamiliar.
Stillness feels like something is about to go wrong.
You might feel like you’re always bracing—waiting for the next problem, the next conflict, the next shoe to drop.
If that’s you, I want you to hear this clearly:
You are not broken.
You are not behind.
You are not failing at life.
You’ve simply been surviving for a long time.
Healing doesn’t begin by forcing positivity or ignoring pain. It begins by creating enough safety to finally listen to yourself.
Alignment Brings Peace, Not Confusion
Peace isn’t something we earn by suffering long enough.
It’s something we experience when our lives align with who we truly are.
When you’re aligned, decisions feel steadier.
Boundaries feel clearer.
Your body softens instead of braces.
That doesn’t mean life becomes easy. It means life becomes honest.
This year, my wish is that you stop forcing yourself into spaces, roles, and expectations that drain you—just to prove you can endure them.
Endurance is not the same as purpose.
Coming Home to Yourself
Coming home to yourself doesn’t mean reinventing your life overnight.
It looks like:
• Trusting the quiet nudges instead of the loud opinions
• Choosing rest without guilt
• Letting go of what no longer fits, even if it once did
• Allowing yourself to change without explaining why
You didn’t lose yourself along the way.
You adapted in order to survive.
And now, if you’re ready, you get to return.
A Gentle New Year’s Wish
If you’re starting this year feeling off, I hope you don’t rush to fix yourself.
I hope you listen instead.
May this be the year you stop abandoning your needs to keep peace.
May this be the year you choose what feels safe, steady, and true.
May this be the year you learn that peace doesn’t come from forcing—it comes from alignment.
And most of all, may this be the year you realize:
You’re not lost.
You’re just on your way back home.
Sharing from lived experience, not professional advice
The Honest Healing Journey with Kristi 