For years I asked myself over and over why I was never good enough, why love was so painful and then overthinking began, the anxiety, the lack of confidence, the depression, the sadness, the self hate, the self sabotage, the thoughts of suicide. The journey has not been easy, and some days I didn’t think I was going to make it through. But I can promise you, it was so worth it.
Through all of it, the painful lessons, the childhood trauma, my toxic marriage(s) I never stopped, I fought, I failed, and cried, I faced the demons and finally became free, I finally chose me, loved me, and became soul happy and free.
This blog is for me to share with you, not to blame anyone for the things that happened to me, or to cause hatred towards those that did hurt me. I have forgiven those who have hurt me, for me. I have learned to walk away, gracefully. In this life and all the lessons, I have learned, it all begins and ends with you.
I learned that people who suffer from childhood trauma can become narcissistic or empathetic. I became an empath, and I married a narcissist.
I used to suffer in silence. When I would try and talk about my marriage and issues from my childhood and how I felt, people were not very receptive, so I learned to not talk about it at all. I taught myself to shut down, and through that process my empathy became stronger. I turned my own pain and suffering into ‘fixing’ and helping others, unbeknownst to me, I was slowly destroying myself.
I recently read something on my Instagram feed, as I was reading it my body exploded with goosebumps: “My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. It will keep my loved ones safe. No fear, no hurt, and no worries. I am come from a broken and twisted place, but I will build something whole and safe. I’ll sing in the shower again, cook with a smile and dance in all the rooms. I will heal.” This was my childhood home, even after I became an adult and married, this described my home. But it stops here. From this point forward it ends with me. My home will be happy and most importantly healthy. The generational curse ends with me.
I look back now and realize my journey, the pain, the suffering, the sad days, the heartache, the ‘why me’ moments, the dropping to me knees and begging God to talk me home. Those were all meant to teach me, to heal me, and to finally make me into the person I was always meant to be.
The Honest Healing Journey with Kristi 